the yellow backpack

Haven: noun. any place of shelter and safety; refuge; asylum.

my new room= my new haven.

I’ve never been more excited about moving.  I guess now that I’m a senior (senior?! surely not so…) I’ve accumulated the perfect furniture, decorations, and a well stocked bookshelf (one of my not-so-secret goals in life), that moving was inexpensive and rewarding.

Yesterday Clayton asked me what was going to make this year successful, and it got my thinking about how many practical things can genuinely affect how we feel about daily tasks and stresses.  Here are just a few:

-keep a clean room– organization, knowing where things are, order.  I honestly think my haven is going to aid this year immensely!

example: I bought a second desk that is going to be called my focus desk (and yes, I realize it sounds a bit like a time-out chair for kindergartners).  The desk is to remain empty– clutter is a killer of all productivity for me.

-exercise– the rumor is true.  It makes you feel better.  Spinning classes here I come!
-live on a budget– it is written and ready to begin.  Whenever I spend money, guilt from sits on my shoulders like a heavy box.  Why carry needless guilt? Oh Dave Ramsey, you make sense.

but here’s the kicker: while I can do these practical things, the foundational truth is this: how I am spiritually affects everything –attitudes, motivation, kindness, desire for growth in other areas, etc all go down the drain when I don’t daily commune with the Lord  (doesn’t this point to how we’re wired? We are created by God and for God, right?)

I find myself dancing in a circle; I’m stoked about my room and motivated more than ever to stay organized, exercise, eat right, spend right, study right, and I could go on… and on… But just like that list, those “successes” can only take me so far.  Take my room:  It offers a home, a place to study and rest, a place to grow, but it’s still just a thing. It can only do so much.

My heart’s haven must be in the presence of the Lord, or my little room will just be a place of escape.

For you are my hiding place; you protect me from trouble. You surround me with songs of victory. Psalm 32:7

My goal:  that my little haven and new personal growth “kicks” might help my heart find and remain in the haven the Lord created in his presence.  That, I think, might be what it takes to have a successful year.

1 Comment | In: Uncategorized | tags: biking, character development, school, spiritual musings. | #

I got my apartment key, went grocery shopping, and even went for a walk.  It’s official.  It’s happening; I’m here in Colorado Springs for the summer.

I haven’t allowed myself to fully process being here.  In some weird way it’s like I’m living in the future, and I’m trying to catch up to what’s happening so that I can fully embrace it.  That sounds dramatic though, so I’ll just rephrase and say time is flying.  Colorado here I am.

Yesterday I drove over thirteen hours with a still living fly as a passenger, crossed Kansas, and ended up with a car decorated with smashed bugs.  Then this morning I drove from Denver to Colorado Springs with the mountains in the background.  It was was powerfully elegant.

And yes, those words do go together.

There’s something majestic about mountains.  They’re powerful with their giant base but elegant in the light snowy peaks.

As I was driving, I was thinking about Matthew 17 where Jesus says that if we have faith the size of a mustard seed we should tell a mountain to move.  I gazed at the mountains and caught myself almost scoffing at the idea of moving a mountain.  Impossible.

Then here’s what I realized:  God did what was impossible (more than once too).  He redeemed.

My heart would not have moved from a cold, hard stone without the Lord’s redemption.  He can move mountains, and with faith I could move mountains.  This summer my goal isn’t to dislocate Pikes Peak (though I hope to hike it), but my goal is to do the Lord’s work.  Learn from the master, be on His team, fight His fight.

And even though I live in a physical world where I desire to be in shape, make good grades, and accumulate knowledge, I know the Lord’s work is eternal.  The mountains are powerfully elegant, but my biggest mountain to move is in my heart– a heart that is eternal.

Powerful:  the Lord will come with conviction, strength, and authority
Elegant:  the Lord will come with tenderness, gentleness, and the hand of a father.

after all, aren’t the mountains His?

2 Comments | In: Uncategorized | tags: nature, spiritual musings, travel. | #

I rolled my eyes at this book the first time I saw it.  I put the book into the category of Joel Osteen lies (is that too harsh?) and expected it to be ignorant promises made to that naive niche of Christians that thrives on prosperity-theology.

However, there’s a developing theme to this blog: I misjudged.  Note the subtitle: spiritual disciplines for ordinary people.  I’m ordinary.  We all are, and we all need discipline. So, I read on.

This semester has, at times, been overwhelming and the only way to characterize it is living in a state of rush.  I planned activities so close together that even teleporting wouldn’t have made it possible.  Any delay sent panic through my being, aggravating frustration, and the whole time I was always right and everyone else was wrong.  With the help of the this book, some honest friends, and conviction, I’ve begun to see this simple truth: I have 24 hours just like everyone else.  Rest, my friends, is a spiritual discipline.

After a week of practice, here are some changes I’ve made that have revolutionized my world.

1. By saying no, I’ve allowed my mind to live in the present instead of constantly planning how I was going to overcome the impossible.  Taking out even activities I want to do has allowed me to enjoy the activities I actually do.  If eating out with friends is going to take too long, I stay home.  My day’s arbitrary tasks can go unmet and the world still turns.  This simple act (which is an age-old piece of advice) has allowed me to be a better listener and be more patient on the phone (and actually answer it). When my schedule was packed, my mind was muddled.

It’s like how your computer runs faster without 10 trillion (deficit, yeah?) open.  Close those babies.  Apple key Q. Gone.

2.  Exercise, and if possible, in the morning.  When my body is intentionally strained, it feels accomplished.  My mind is alert and I am not nearly as dependent on coffee.  Coffee Consumption was in need of intervention.

3.  White Noise.  I just learned what this was– it’s a steady noise that acts as an active noise cancellation.  It allows me to feel like I’m in a silent room when I’m not.  My roommates music is loud, but my room is silent.  Check it out.

4.  Read.  My classes are heavy reading.  For my ethics class, our assignments are analytical and philosophical and for writing, I often lose sight of content because I’m so focused on style.  By reading for mere entertainment, my mind is set free.  Plus, reading motivates and energizes me.

5. Pray.  This has been my anthem this semester, and yet, I am “prone to wander Lord I feel it.”  Whenever I move from the momentary physcial world and begin to talk to an eternal omni-present God, focuses change.  They have to.

Tonight I walked to dinner, played catch until my hands burned, walked to the bank, mailed a letter, and ate frozen yogurt with gummy worms.  Do you know what the best part was? I wasn’t in a rush so I actually enjoyed it.

P.S. The Mrs. Susan Gear came home today.  Bothwell missed her.

2 Comments | In: Uncategorized | tags: reading, Simple Joys, spiritual musings. | #

My sweet mother has been in the hospital since last Wednesday.  She’s never been the one to take the easy path, and thus, she perseveres as woman of strength– a warrior, soldier, and champion.   I’m so proud of her.

500 hundred miles from home has been challenging despite the fact that I am at my so-called peak– I’m in perfect health (I haven’t given up on bear cycle!); I just watched a dear friend get married; I practiced my expertise (shopping) in one of my favorite cities, and I even took my Sunday nap.  Still yet, my mind constantly wanders back to my mom and how I’d trade just about anything to be down right bored next to her in that poorly decorated hospital room with depressing soap operas.

Updates from Springfield are scattered– at 5:30 a.m. my mom sent me this message: “Overnight alert. My arm just blew up. Literally. Humor helps.”  Is that humor? I beg to say it’s not.  Describing her inflated arm as a blow up bat, she detailed how the arm with the IV expanded and raised itself off of her side.  We’ll reevaluate the humor in a few years, but now I’ll maintain a heart of thankfulness that Nurse Joe was within earshot and could remove the IV.

My mom has fought this infection several times and come out victorious, so I didn’t mention her hospitalization to many.  An IV, few hours, and some hospital food would send her on her way by Thursday morning.  I misjudged.  The scattered updates from this past week have been somewhat bipolar in nature.  One is encouraging and my heart is full of praise.  The next is nothing but scary, and I catch myself dropping whatever I’m doing to pray.  So, here’s what I’ve learned: Trust in the Lord with the big and the small, because really, who are we to determine what is big and what is small in light of eternity?  All matters should be matters of utter dependence and prayer.

In my car alone, with my Common Grounds coffee in hand and confident ambition for a productive afternoon, is when said lesson started to unfold in my heart.  My family practically pays rent at the hospital and has its fair share of tearful moments of frustration and pain, and yet, my family has stood with its chin up with a triumphant fortitude.  With a backward glance I say with confidence that was only the Lord’s masterful craftsmanship that can claim victory.  Such victories, however, should never dismiss my desperate need– at all times– for his strength in the present.   It was there in my car, I realized my tendency to compartmentalize my need for the Lord, and it was there I stayed for a while.

All matters beckon submission through prayer.  Whereas we cannot even articulate exactly what eternity means, the One we pray to sees it all, makes sense of it all, and holds it all.

Now THAT brings peace.

My mom is doing better; she’s recovering, and she’s currently “planning her escape.”  But that in no way should decrease my need for the Lord– I treasure those “I need You” moments.  If we really saw our condition as mere humans meandering across the earth, we’d face plant constantly before the Almighty God.

Tomorrow is Face Plant Practice day.  Let’s Celebrate. FPP.

2 Comments | In: Uncategorized | tags: character development, Family, spiritual musings. | #

I’m sitting in World Religions.  Sometimes I get a little bored.

Nonetheless…

Theology=the study of God.

Last semester I got an A in theology, but did it help me know God better? Not really. Being immersed in the study of Christian Ethics, the Old Testament, or Church History requires a conscious decision to connect what I study to the God that offers that grace that has been stirring deep within me.

Same God.

The class of Theology gives me a grade.
The classroom of grace teaches me something far more valuable.

Now my goal is to connect the two.
Classroom x2.

No Comments | In: Uncategorized | tags: class, religion major, spiritual musings. | #