Wrestling with Comparison
Goals in Check
This coming Saturday my closest friends– my Texan bridesmaids– and I are running the Hot Chocolate 5k/15k. I’m stoked. We’re all running the same race, but we’re training with completely different goals.
On Friday after running 10 miles I could barely bring myself to walk the .25 back to my house. I made it to my front porch and immediately fell asleep in a lawn chair– who knew you could go from exercising to napping so quickly? Probably not so healthy.
Back in the day I quit in the middle of a race and sat down. Yes, sat down on the sideline. Thus, my goal is to cross the 15k finishline… and not immediately fall asleep.
Hanna is trying to complete the 15k fast. She doesn’t do anything without 110% plus some.
Catie might be running the 5k for the chocolate and fondue at the end of the race.
The 5k will be Nincy’s first race. She’s been working diligently to get up to 3 miles– each run she’s so close but she keeps coming up short. This morning she called herself pathetic for not making it 3 miles.
Boy, I’ve felt like that. If I dwell on it too much, I can let Hanna’s goal of running faster get to me too, just like most people would love to have Nincy’s discipline of running 2.5 miles every day.
I know Nincy can run 3.1. Easily. The laws of running tell me she can. But, I also know that the world keeps turning whether or not she makes it, and the world will keep turning if I stumble across the 15k finish line within an hour (yea right!) or 3 hours.
I’m such a fan of goals. I keep them before me always; they keep me disciplined. But, I also know that goals can be the strongest voice of condemnation in my life. They tells me lies as my head hits the pillow, reminding me that I didn’t do what I wanted to do.
Self-esteem should never be dependent upon 6/10′s of a mile or a matter of minutes or… a few pounds, grades, a bank statement, or a job.
We are all going to put our best foot forward (a million times over!), and step-by-step all 4 of us are going to cross the finish line. And no matter how we do, there’s going to be chocolate at the end.
In the words of my fiance who keeps me in check, it’s about the process not the result.
It’s about training, not the time.
It’s about a healthy lifestyle, not the scale.
It’s about sharing the gospel, not the conversion.
It’s about education, not the grade.
May goals be our friends & keep us from sitting down during the race, but never be the holder of self-esteem.
Run on.
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CommentLife in the Fun House: Mirrors of Truth
I’ve become somewhat obsessed with a new workout class called Body Pump. You must try it.
For the past 4 weeks I’ve gone 3 times a week and stood in the exact same spot. Mirrors line the front of the room, so as you’re dying from the workout, you also conveniently watch yourself die. At the end of the class you feel great, but watching yourself die for 3 hours a week is painful, especially since there’s no elegant way to struggle lifting weights.
Today, I moved across the room, and as I faced the mirror I realized I looked completely different. Whoa.
Another girl in the class noticed my confusion, and said “oh! The mirror where you normally stand is distorted. I never stand there!” The distorted mirror made me extra short and stocky to say the least, but I had stood there for so long I believed its lies and was then surprised by the truth.
We look in mirrors constantly throughout the day and not just ones with a physical reflection. We use mirrors to see ourselves– see how we’re doing, how we are measuring up, whether or not we’re making enough money, working out enough, being productive enough.
Mirrors are our way of knowing whether or not we’re good enough.
What other distorted mirrors do you look into daily? They’re everywhere. Comparisons with Ms. Fashion, self-doubt, striving for perfection, the happy-go-lucky FRIENDS lifestyle, & the happily-ever-after Belle romance are just some among many. We live our lives in a not-so-fun “Fun House.”
There is only one mirror that speaks truth, and that is Christ.
He says that you are a chosen child of God, redeemed, loved dearly, and He has a purpose for you complete with a plan He’s orchestrating now for your future.
Linger a while in front of that mirror. How refreshing truth can be.
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CommentComparison Anti-Answer 2
We all know the problem with comparing ourselves to one another. I’m still on the search of the solution, so in the meantime, here are some anti-answers (things we’ve all tried that aren’t really working out too well for us). Here’s numero dos.
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When we get gut honest with ourselves we can see that comparing ourselves can lead us to feeling inadequate or inferior. However, when we let our thoughts run wild, we can easily justify comparisons. After all, aren’t comparisons the basis of competition that ultimately lead us to be a better person?
The “Anti-Answer” #2: Comparison makes us a better person.
Last week I was running and a guy ran past me wearing a Hollister polo and jean capris with keys attached to his belt loop. It made me run faster. That minor competition made me a better runner for those 5 minutes, but as soon as that weird kid was out of sight I quickly forgot about him and got lost in my music. He beat me and I didn’t really care.
Competition is good when it’s merely that—when our competitor is quickly forgotten and our goals are reasonable.
The problem comes when we see someone who has the appearance of having it all together and allow them to set the standard for us. What is even worse is when we have multiple people all setting the standards in different areas, and when we slow down enough to look we realize no human being could ever possibly meet those standards.
I’ve fallen into this trap time and time again, because when I look at something someone has done, I have a genuine desire to do what they’ve done, and I know that I can do it. You just set your mind to it, right? However, conquering one of these things is doable, but multiple new “goals” (aka subconscious attempts to measure up) becomes impossible. These multiple comparisons then lead us to feel like we’re never quite measuring up.
Take a look at this trap:
Monday you’re around your friend who likes to read, so you leave your coffee date being inspired to read all of the great classics.
Tuesday you’re with your roommate who likes to work out, so you now feel like working out should be part of every single day from here on out.
Wednesday you meet your highly motivated friend who has 3 jobs lined up so you begin to question your job search strategy.
Thursday you’re encouraged by your leader’s prayer life,
Friday you want to volunteer,
Saturday you feel like you should get to know your neighbors more, and on
Sunday…
You reflect on all your new unspoken standards you’ve set for yourself and you’re downright tired.
I’m so easily inspired by those people around me. May we look at those people serving, succeeding, and leading others and praise God that they are fulfilling their call instead of trying to accomplish everyone else’s individual, personal designed call. Trust me, your calling is enough. It’s perfect.
Perhaps we all need to look at what we expect of ourselves and give ourselves a little grace. Are your expectations reasonable? Do you show yourself grace?
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CommentComparison Anti-Answer 1
The other day a certain unnamed 13-year-old and I were watching Justin Bieber’s Never Say Never movie. We watched Bieber on his impressive climb to popularity and fame. At the end Connor (oops) seriously said, “man, he has it all. He’s famous, he’s a Christian, he has a great family… It’s not fair.”
To this I gave the worst piece of advice—“think of everything you have that he doesn’t.”
The past few days I’ve been wrestling with this trapping idea of comparison, and since I last posted about it, the response has been a resounding “me too!” It’s almost comforting to know it’s not something that only I think about regularly.
Down deep I know that Paul’s attitude in Philippians 3:8 is our answer to comparison—
What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ.
Paul exchanges all worldly comparisons for the one goal of knowing Christ.
The problem is I’m not there yet, and my wrestling has only left me with several “Anti-Answers” if you will. The first one is my own piece of advice of “think of everything you have they he doesn’t.”
Have you given this advice? Have you tried it? The message does help you count your blessings, but the method is still a comparison which leads us back to comparing earthly things! While it’s sometimes true that wealth does not equal happiness, beauty does not always equal security, and intelligence doesn’t always equal confidence, there are always going to be those people who simply seem to have everything. Smart, pretty, and rich? Psha- what do we do then?
We should constantly be counting our blessings and remembering that the good we do have is a gift from the Lord, but we should not do this in order to boost our self worth. We count our blessings to give back glory where glory is due. When we use blessings in a “comparison scale” we lead ourselves down an endless road of ranking what we have against someone else. We start to pride ourselves in our family over the neighbors broken family (whom we should be praying for not competing against) or we compare our good grades to to roommate’s community service to justify ourselves. Ranking these blessings still leaves us in the comparison trap.
Blessings are never a status booster; they are gifts.
Acknowledge them often; thank God more often.
Have you have compared blessings?
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Comparison
Obviously, I’m not trying to win the approval of people, but of God. If pleasing people were my goal, I would not be Christ’s servant. Galatians 1:10
You have to win the approval of certain people. To do well in my job, I try to please my boss. To get an A, I try to please my professor. I work hard to pick out the right present to please my friend on her birthday.
It’s all innocent and simply the way the world works, right? The main problem is I don’t think the pleasing stops there…
Confession: Here’s what I’m slowing coming to realize. While I don’t necessarily change my character or personality to meet certain criteria to “win approval,” I do allow my own perception of the circumstances to be dictated but those around me. When I do this, I’m allowing other people to determine how I feel about myself.
Here’s a simple, shallow example. During my time as an undergrad at Baylor I subconsciously worked hard to make my non-name brand clothing look classy. Even the “frugal” people around me had nice nice things. While I was on a tight budget, I hardly verbalized it to friends who had wealth who probably never thought about money.
Now that I’m in seminary it’s a different setting completely. Graduate students are financially on their own too and everyone’s budget seems to be uniformly tight. I found that I’m embarrassed to have my seminary friends over to my nice house—I feel like I need to confess that my uncle owns it and we’re getting a great deal, or, I feel this weird need to confess that my Vera Bradley bag was a gift and I got a certain shirt on sale.
My entire perception of my “things” came from my setting. Wow.
When I run 2 miles I feel good about it until I talk to my overly zealous workout friend who never goes a day without running 4. I’m proud of my gradepoint until I see a 4.0. I’m content with my career goals until I see someone graduate from law school and think, “I could have done that.”
When circumstances dictate the approval that we give ourselves, it’s a never ending deep deep trap of comparison. While I don’t necessarily want the 4.0, the 4 miles, the nice things (and even not nice things!) for the sake of others, others still end up dictating my own view of self.
So is this subtle comparison trying to win the approval others? Inadvertently yes. And in the worlds of Paul, “If pleasing people were my goal, I would not be Christ’s servant.”
Do you ever feel like comparison sets the standard for the way you view yourself? Much food for thought here friends.
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CommentHey There
In a matter of days I'm going to marry my college sweetheart Clayton. I'll be the resident chaplain at a girls dormitory this year... which will add a few quirks to our first year of marriage. I've been adopted into Texas culture and I keep Sonic in business. I blog about faith and the struggles with faith. My first name is Jane; I'm Caroline.
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To my single friends, I just posted a cute picture of Clayton and I on Facebook. 10 minutes later we were sitting in my driveway talking about how his stress was overwhelming me and how he was stressed because I was overwhelmed. Dumb. […]
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