Rothschild, the s is for swag

Posted by Caroline on May 14, 2012 in journey to marriage | 4 comments

I think his goal in life is to become the definition of quirky.

I mean, if you don’t have sun glasses, why not wear tanning goggles? 

Every outing is a recipe for public humiliation.  Despite pleading, beat-red embarassed faces, & buried heads, I am constantly {& relunctantly} pulled out of my safe comfort zone of… ” being normal.”

When Clayton and I are at Walmart, he finds it just hilarious {to him} to venture a few aisles over, pretend to be panicked and lost, and shout “Caroline! Where are you?  Help, Caroline!”

Today he upped his strategy by unbuttoning his shirt, wearing his sunglasses inside, and… if only I could capture his ridiculous strut in a picture you would understand why…

for a shy “I’d-rather-blend-in-at-Walmart” type, I want to die.

In pre-martial cousneling we learned that your body regenerates itself every 7 years, which explains why some couples begin to favor one another after spending so much time together.

I have 4 days

{4 days!!}

to come to terms with the fact I’m marrying the quirkiest of all quirky

 & I will likely become {even more} so myself.

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True Story.

Posted by Caroline on Apr 24, 2012 in Family, The Backpack | 4 comments

The picture captures a monumental moment…

my dad’s FIRST time in Starbucks.  He noted this “first” so non-nonchalantly, and then he ordered a water and coffee cake.

Who knew that the place I have to pull myself away from my dad had never experienced?!

It’s probably good my dad isn’t likewise addicted to $5 coffee drinks, but it hit me that some parts of our lives are compartmentalized in front of some people.  My dad and I will stick to going out to breakfast instead of going to Starbucks with no loss.  But, are there people I interact with daily that don’t know I find Salvation in Jesus Christ?  Have I never invited them along to experience something far better than Starbucks?

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Gem from the Gym

Posted by Caroline on Apr 20, 2012 in Family | 2 comments

Planning the C&C wedding has launched a full out sprint into the depths of sappyness.  My mom leads the pack.

We’ve been going through old pictures and converting home videos to DVD.  Now, the memories of us jumping on the bed and blowing out 3 birthday cakes for every birthday (my mom was the cutest) can make us feel all warm inside all. the. time.

While digging through pictures my mom found this gem taken at the gym.

My sister played competitive basketball, and my little bro James and I were dragged along to “support.”  I have fond memories of hanging out in high school gyms across the state, but I think this picture is a dose of the 1990′s reality.

James mastered the wall-nap (which I hope he doesn’t utilize in class) and I was a concession stand junkie.  I think James and I deserve some of the credit for my sister’s basketball skills.

My mom thinks it was child abuse.

Regardless, pictures tell awesome stories.

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Unmet Expectations

Posted by Caroline on Apr 20, 2012 in Family, journey to marriage | 1 comment

{Marriage 101 Guest Post by Stephanie}

Have you ever wanted to be a fly on the wall in someone else’s house?

I’m going to invite you to do just that. You are a fly on the wall of my kitchen, four years ago.

I am at the stove, stirring something in a pot. My toddler runs in and attaches himself to my leg. I look down, and tell him to go play in the other room. He doesn’t budge. He is much more interested in what Mommy is doing on the hot stove.

My body begins to get tense. I yell to another room.

“I need your help, honey.” No answer, so I raise my voice higher.

“What are you doing? I need your help in here.” Still no answer. So I shout his name. He comes into the room.

“Where were you?”

He looks surprised, “Downstairs, paying a bill.”

I roll my eyes. My voice becomes terse. “Well, I’m in here, trying to make dinner. I need you to entertain him.”

I shake the toddler off my leg in his direction. My husband glares at me. “Fine.”

He leaves the room with our son. I start flinging vegetables into the pot, taking out my frustration on a pasta sauce.

How did this happen?

My husband and I had good days. We were both genuinely happy to see each other after work.  So why, within one hour of being home, did we end up in an argument?

I have been married almost twelve years. The fight you saw as a little fly is not an isolated occurrence. These are the little conflicts of everyday marriage. Slowly, as my husband and I have lived these arguments, we have grown to understand them- and have less of them.

We believe there is a simple explanation for a large percentage of fights in marriage: unmet expectations.

Often, unspoken, unmet expectations.

In the above example, I got home and expected to be able to make dinner right away. I figured that when my husband got home, he would jump in and help with our son. When my husband got home, he expected to be able to work on the bills.

I expected to cook. He expected to pay bills. Both of these are important jobs. Neither of us were neglecting the needs of our household. But, with a toddler in the picture, we could not both do these things at the same time.

One of us had to change our expectations. Perhaps I could have started cooking after he was done with the bills. Or perhaps he could have waited with the bills until I was done cooking. Neither solution was a big deal.

The problem wasn’t that the change in expectations was difficult. The problem was that the change was not discussed.

When our unspoken expectations were not met, both of us felt like the other person was letting us down.

So, we have developed a new habit. A pre-emptive strike against unnecessary fights.

We talk about our little, daily expectations.

Most nights, when my husband gets home from work, I ask what he hopes to accomplish that night. Then I tell him what I would like to do. After that, if needed, we sit at the negotiating table. Is one of the things associated with a deadline? Is one of them less urgent? Is one of them more important for the health of our family?

These conversations are even better more in advance. Like when we talk on the weekend about things we want to do the coming week.

It doesn’t matter when the conversations happen; the point is to make them happen.

We talk about our hopes, and we flex before they become disappointments.

We change the expectations we have formed in our head to adjust with the reality facing us in our home.

These discussions come naturally to us with the large decisions of life. But with these little things? The things that cause arguments in the kitchen during dinner preparations? Those we had to learn to talk about.

This has become the advice I give to engaged and newly married couples: practice the discipline of intentional discussion about expectations. Little or big, silly or strategic, let your partner know what you are hoping to do that night, that week, or even that year.

Get on the same page and save yourselves from angry pasta sauce stirring.

About Stephanie Spenser:
I have been married to the love of my life for almost twelve years. We are blessed to be a genuinely happily married couple, something that seems a rarity these days. I am a mom trying to enjoy these long and wonderful days of toddlerhood with two boys. I am also a Christ-follower, passionate about life with God being about more than just going to church. You can find me on my blog http://everydayawe.com/ or Twitter https://twitter.com/everydayawe

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No Exit Strategy

Posted by Caroline on Apr 16, 2012 in journey to marriage | 2 comments

{Marriage 101 Guest Post by Alicia}

My name is Alicia Kelley, and in July I will have been married to my husband, Terry Kelley, for ten years!  We have four awesome kids that keep me exhausted and happy and living in a messy home most of the time. Terry is the worship pastor at Rockford First in Rockford, IL, and I am currently raising my kids, teaching fitness classes, and dabbling in a million other things…someday I will teach English again, which is how I met the lovely Caroline in the first place.

I can still remember one afternoon during my senior year of high school when my softball coach was having the ever popular what-are-you-going-to-major-in-during-college conversation with me.  I had so many ideas that I had no idea, and I told him that.

“Why don’t you get your teaching certification as something to fall back on?”  He said to me. “They always need teachers.  So you’ll always be able to find a job.”

Well, at the time I didn’t really want to teach, but that seemed like pretty sound advice.  I’m a sucker for a safety net.  If I got my teaching certification, I’d have a built-in exit strategy from a job I might not like.

It is smart in almost every situation to have a backup plan, a safety net, an exit strategy.  But in this covenant that we take on with another person “till death do us part,” we are much more successful if we never even consider a backup plan.

When both spouses agree that there are no exits, a new level of commitment to the marriage is agreed upon.  It requires more work, but also reaps more rewards.

I’m not just talking about the D word, here, although that is the ultimate exit strategy.  Have you ever noticed how many ways you can temporarily exit a relationship?  Sure, you’re still married, but you have exited in a way that makes it impossible for your marriage to thrive.  Maybe you are giving the silent treatment.  Maybe you withhold something your spouse would like, be it time, affection, or kindness.  Maybe, after a really awful fight, you hop in the car and decide to stay at a friend’s house for the night.  Maybe you just emotionally check out of the relationship in order to protect yourself from getting hurt further.

Some of these seem normal and harmless, others a little more serious.  But all of them are ways that people temporarily exit relationships.  The danger, here, is that each exit brings the relationship closer to a possible permanent exit strategy.  I believe that God created marriage because it can bring such happiness.  It can be comforting having someone to co-navigate life with you.  While healthy arguing is a normal part of marriage,

we can further our commitment and fulfillment in our marriages by deciding to view a healthy, happy marriage as the only option.

No backup plan, no exit strategy, no safety net needed.  Not an option.  We continue to persevere because love always protects, always trusts, always perseveres.

If you and your spouse agree upon this important characteristic about your marriage, you each are then “free” to do everything you can and should to make it work.  What does that mean, exactly?  Here are some places to start:

1)     Don’t go to bed angry.

Don’t fall asleep fighting, don’t roll away from each other and sleep facing different directions because of your anger, don’t lie there and wait for your spouse to “fix” it, don’t sleep in separate quarters.  Ephesians 4:26 tells us, “Do not let the sun go down on your wrath.”  If there is a problem as you are falling asleep, get up, get your spouse up, and talk through it. Yes, it’s work.  Yes—it’s worth it.

2)     INVEST in your relationship, even when you don’t feel like it.

It’s an exit strategy to only do things when you feel like it.  You won’t always feel like it, so this is where that commitment comes in.  Do it anyway.  1 Corinthians 16:14:  Let all that you do be done with love.  1 Corinthians 13:5:  “Love is not self-seeking.”  This pretty much means that it’s not about me.  It’s about my spouse and my marriage.

3)     Throw away your scorecard!

1 Corinthians 13:5:  “Love keeps no record of wrongs.”  Marriage is not a competition.  Everything does not have to be equal, no matter how much society may tell us this.  If your spouse has “caused” the last three arguments in a row, who cares?  And why do you even know that? J  Keep no record of wrongs.  Forget the past.

4)     Speak highly of your spouse, both TO him and ABOUT him to others.

1 Corinthians 13:5—“Love does not dishonor others.”  Your bond in marriage is stronger than any other human bond that you have.  Honor that by preserving it.  Build each other up. Once you allow negative words about your spouse to flow from your mouth, it will be much harder to do the opposite, and that is a quick road to an exit strategy.

5)     Give your spouse the benefit of the doubt.

The bottom line is that you are GOING to have arguments in marriage.  That’s okay.  But God’s vision of love is one where we are “not easily angered” (! Corinthians 13:5).  Some of us tend to fly off the handle pretty quickly.  However, because anger can raise some pretty strong walls of resentment, bitterness, and other emotional exit strategies, it is imperative to be slow to anger.

If you’re anything like me, reading God’s definition of love in 1 Corinthians is super intimidating.  How can I ever live up to that description of love?  Well, I can’t—by myself.

But I believe that God wants our marriages to be more amazing than even we do.

PRAY for your marriage every single day, especially for your part in that marriage.

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To my single friends,

Posted by Caroline on Apr 13, 2012 in Family, journey to marriage | 4 comments

To my single friends,

I just posted a cute picture of Clayton and I on Facebook.   10 minutes later we were sitting in my driveway talking about how his stress was overwhelming me and how he was stressed because I was overwhelmed.

Dumb.

I 100% believe relationships are worth it.  They’re worth the arguments, the frustrations, & and the times you have to (have to) give in against your will.  I love Clayton with my whole heart, but he’s not what makes me me.  My life does not start when we tie the knot, nor did it start when we first started dating or when we had our first kiss.

My life started when I was born 23 years ago, and God’s plan for me is not contingent upon me getting married. 

He’s not holding out on “the life” because I’m not married; He’s been up to work all 23 years.

There’s a lesson for me– getting married doesn’t change my need to pursue Christ with everything, develop friendships, and serve my heart out and there’s a message for you– don’t wait to pursue Christ with everything, develop friendships, and serve your heart out.

I’m sorry that Facebook glamorizes relationships.    I’m sorry that there’s not a disclaimer on Facebook pictures that tell the back story.  I’m sorry movies and TV obsess over love.  I’m sorry that it looks like life begins when you find “the one.”

But, I promise with everything in me that “the life” is found only in Christ.

If we get married without fully believing that contentment is found only in Christ, we will quickly find that our spouses are not God, and we will be left with an even deeper loneliness.

I hear you; I know it’s hard.  I don’t diminish the loneliness or pain or worry, but I do know that loneliness, pain, and worry are not cured with a boyfriend.  They are cured with an active, passionate race to the heart of God.  I’m in that same race– trying to figure it out, failing daily, and desiring to fully desire Him and only Him.

Let’s run this race together. Ready, set, TRAIN.

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