Why Valentine’s Day Can Suck
Posted by Caroline on Feb 13, 2012 in journey to marriage, The Backpack | 4 comments
I will go on a “Valentine’s Day Date” with my favorite person in the world.
When it comes to sappy, I am the queen.
I love cheesy romantic gestures. I treasure the hours spent helping my brother make a Valentine’s Word Search for his first girlfriend. I loved secret admirers and quirky gift exchanges.
I love holidays, I love flowers just like every girl, and I love love.
But, the problem with Valentine’s Day is far too many people leave the day feeling unloved—both those in relationships and those who are single.
It’s not the day’s fault. We should celebrate the one we’re committing our lives to and going to spend forever with. We should set time aside for the warm, sentimental moments that make our heart race. We need to celebrate our partner because in the next week they are probably going to drive us up the wall, lead us to tears, or make us question our own sanity as we stomp out of the room.
But, we don’t dwell on the latter reality. It is the warm, sappy moments that we—especially young women—envision and crave. We picture candle lit dinners, petals on the floor, classical music mysteriously coming out of the walls [or, whatever other cliché picture comes to mind when you think of a romantic Valentine’s Day!].
The problem is these expectations are unattainable.
(unless you’re in a scripted Hollywood romantic comedy on the 20th take of the scene!).
I cried at every birthday party all through elementary school. My tears came with such clockwork that my mom applauded me the first year I didn’t cry. I would wait so long for my party and the anticipation would build for the best night of the year to celebrate ME. When it came and didn’t live up to the Mary-Kate and Ashley hype in my mind, I cried.
I think that’s a bit like Valentine’s Day. For some who are single, Valentine’s Day has evolved into a focus on what is missing for idealized, romantic moments. For those in relationships, the expectation for those same idealized, romantic moments remains unmet… because we don’t live in a movie.
These expectations don’t lead to love.
They inevitably lead to being let down.
Align your expectations with reality and save your heart. Valentine’s Day is an excuse to buy chocolate for yourself and friends. It’s a reminder to love and cherish those around you. And that’s all.
It is not a reminder you are single. It is not a reminder that your spouse isn’t romantic. It’s not a reminder you don’t have much money or that you have to work too much.
It’s a happy and simple thing. It’s merely a random Tuesday with chocolate. Let anything beyond surprise you—not be the expectation.
Share some love instead of calculating what’s coming your way. I guarantee that’s the purest form of love. Pure, selfless love.
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In a matter of days I'm going to marry my college sweetheart Clayton. I'll be the resident chaplain at a girls dormitory this year... which will add a few quirks to our first year of marriage. I've been adopted into Texas culture and I keep Sonic in business. I blog about faith and the struggles with faith. My first name is Jane; I'm Caroline.
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Caroline, I think you’ve hit the nail on the head. As with many things in life, our satisfaction has to do with how well our expectations meet reality. I think many fights in marriage are because one partner had an expectation that the other partner didn’t meet. (And sometimes, didn’t know they were expected to meet.) Valentine’s Day can heighten this when we expect too much from the day or from our partner. Because I have kids, and it’s a random day in the middle of the week, I have low expectations of the day. (I much prefer celebrating days that are special in a personal way, like our anniversary.) But, my husband and I also had a conversation to make sure our expectations are the same. “I am not planning on getting a gift. Are you planning on getting a gift?” I know it’s not very romantic, but we are both happy with it, so there’s no fighting, and no broken hearts. Though, I think I will eat a little extra chocolate tomorrow
Sorry about remaining anonymous, but I disagree. Respectfully, of course. I think that Valentines day is about the gesture. For those young men out there, this day is about exceeding the expectations of your loved one. It is not easy, but it is possible. Create a mysticism around your activities, and then find the one thing that will make it perfect for her…the poem, the card tied to the rose, the letter with a secret message inside. As for the realism crashing around on the day to day, don’t give in to it. Make every moment worth it, even the bad ones, so that one day you can say, “I made it through that”, as she stands beside you, her hair adorned in grey. Make every Valentines day special. Don’t just leave it an ordinary Tuesday with a little extra chocolate; make it extraordinary.
Dear Anonymous, do you work for a greeting card company? Are you getting paid by Russell Stover? Or maybe Kay jewelers? Sure, every girl wants to be wowed with that something special, but you are missing the point if you think Valentines day is about “exceeding the expectations of your loved one.” Really? Because I thought it was to celebrate the love in your life, whether it is with a significant other, family, or friends. Don’t knock the small gestures of love that people do in a simple manner. You are just the kind of person that builds up the hype of Valentines day which results in discouragement.
Caroline, this was such an inspiring piece to read and I definitely think you have it right! Thank you so much for sharing a different and honest opinion of what Valentine’s Day should truly be about. Coming from a girl who has such a sweet boyfriend that (bless his heart) doesn’t do romance very well, this makes me feel better about the true meaning of this day. How lucky we are to have the people we love in our lives. We’re even luckier to have a day where we can do little things to show our love and appreciation for them. Keep up the good work!